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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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Daughter: Where are the Himalayas?
Father: If you'd clean your room, you'd know where to find things!
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Previous Dates
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I’ve just won a few hands in poker.
Some people really will gamble anything.
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1
Why was the farmer arrested at the gym?
He was destroying his calves.
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Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their head is really far away.
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2
I just flew in from a Transformers convention
And boy are my arms tires
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1
If you rearrange the letters of “Postmen”
They get really pissed off.
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Why are foot injuries so serious?
... because they take so long to heel.
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My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she’s in love with me.
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You can tell the gender of any animal by just throwing a pebble at it.
If SHE attacks you then it's a female or If HE attacks you then it's a male.
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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
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What do you call it when a pirate climaxes?
An arrgasm
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What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?
“Put it on my bill.”
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I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
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Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. It has so many black belts.
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Why couldn't the Olympian listen to music?
Because he kept breaking all the records.
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad I had to take his bike away.
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Doctor: I'm afraid your DNA is backwards, sir.
Me: AND?
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Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes?
They’d crack each other up!
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1
Vegetarian is an old Indian word.
Originally, it means “a bad hunter”.
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0
Your dad is in prison and he has a stutter.
He's never going to finish his sentence.
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1
They'll never win a war on drugs.
It's hard enough to win a war even when you're not on drugs.
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0
Never try to fight a dinosaur...
You’ll get Jurasskiced
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1
I have joke about left-handers.
The only issue is I’m having trouble finding the right audience.
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0
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
Runs in the family
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Being a great father is like shaving.
No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.
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My laziness is like the number 8.
Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.
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Being a cardiac surgeon...
Would be a heart wrenching experience.
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How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was able.
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I have a goal to stop being over ambitious.
I hope to hit it by tomorrow.
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Knock-knock! Who's there? Disaster. Disaster who?
Disaster be my lucky day!
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A piece of bread attended school.
It did so well it made the honor roll.
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If you're feeling under the weather, spend a night in a smokehouse.
You'll be cured in no time.
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Daughter: Where are the Himalayas?
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