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If you're feeling under the weather, spend a night in a smokehouse.
You'll be cured in no time.
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Last night I dreamed I wrote Lord of the Rings.
Guess I was Tolkien in my sleep.
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I was at a restaurant with my wife when a waitress suddenly screamed, "Does anyone know CPR??"
I shouted, "Even better, I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed... Well, everyone except this one guy.
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Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon?
Because he was a paleontologist.
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What's a drunk astronauts favourite part of a computer?
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