The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.

Todays Joke

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A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"

Previous Dates

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At the end of the day...

1

Have you heard about the new movie Constipation?

4

What's stronger than a fortune cookie?

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Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!" The other asks, "Are you sure?"

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My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down..

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I cannot eat shrimp, lobsters and clams that have been cooked by heated water vapor.

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Pride is what you feel when your kids net $100 from a garage sale.

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I have a spouse in a different nation.

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I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.

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Why do hair dressers always get places faster?

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What do you call a potato at a hockey game?

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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

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Before my operation, my doctor gave me the option to be knocked out with gas or a boat paddle.

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I lost five pounds last week,

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My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.

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The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day

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I saw a sign that said 'watch for children'..

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Before he passed away, my grandfather said, “Here are three words that would help open a lot of doors for you.”

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I had to give up on my idea to create a miniature flamethrower

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Marriage is like a card game.

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My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.

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Where do mice park their boats?

2

What word starts with "e", ends with "e", and only has one letter in it?

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My daughter was playing with my computer and she broke the R button and tried to eat it.

2

What did the policeman say to his belly button?

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We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants

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I don’t know why people have a problem with wigs.

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Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

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Being a cardiac surgeon...

1

What does James Bond do before he goes to sleep?

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How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?