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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
They're, there, their.
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Previous Dates
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home...
...I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed.
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I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers
but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
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Don't trust atoms.
They make up everything!
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Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little antibodies.
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The workweek is so rough that after Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says
WTF
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Did you hear about the dumb guy who got fired from his job at the M&M's factory?
He kept throwing away all the candies that had W's on them.
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I just watched a video of a drill.
It was a bit boring.
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What happens when a llama gets on top of you?
You get llaminated
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My 15 year old sent a text asking me to pick him up from school and added "not in your pyjamas".
So I'm wearing his, because good dads listen.
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Why couldn’t the duck cross the road?
Because he got his foot stuck in a quack.
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I was fired from a bank.
When a woman asked me to check her balance, I pushed her over.
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A shoplifter stole an entire case of red bull from my store
I don’t know how he sleeps at night
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1
My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
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What type of music should you listen to when fishing?
Something catchy.
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What does a house wear?
Address
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What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
"Where's Popcorn?"
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What do you call a pony with a soar throat?
A little hoarse.
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Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter?
Pretty nuts!
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I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
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How does the ocean say hello?
It waves.
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I changed my iPod name to Titanic.
It’s syncing now.
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How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
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I'm a catholic
I've been addicted to cats my whole life
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How do mountains see?
They peak.
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When I was born I was so surprised,
I didn't talk for a year and a half.
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and five to sing about how good the old one was.
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My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall…
But it was his dumb asphalt…
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I entered a horse themed costume contest dressed up as an elephant
I won despite the many neigh sayers
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3 unwritten rules of life...
1. 2. 3.
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What do you call a duck that is addicted to drugs?
A quackhead.
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What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
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