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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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I was kidnapped by mimes once
They did unspeakable things to me.
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Previous Dates
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How does the ocean say hello?
It waves.
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I changed my iPod name to Titanic.
It’s syncing now.
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How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
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I'm a catholic
I've been addicted to cats my whole life
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How do mountains see?
They peak.
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When I was born I was so surprised,
I didn't talk for a year and a half.
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and five to sing about how good the old one was.
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My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall…
But it was his dumb asphalt…
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I entered a horse themed costume contest dressed up as an elephant
I won despite the many neigh sayers
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2
3 unwritten rules of life...
1. 2. 3.
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What do you call a duck that is addicted to drugs?
A quackhead.
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Why couldn't the computer take his hat off?
Because his caps lock was on.
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2
Why don’t you breed an eel with an eagle?
It’s Eeleagle
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My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
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You have to act quickly during a flood.
Because it's an emergent sea.
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What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
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I would do a steak joke..
But they're never well done.
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Matt Damon is severely depressed because he keeps getting typecast as an action hero.
He wishes he was never Bourne.
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Why couldn’t the duck cross the road?
Because he got his foot stuck in a quack.
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My best friend keeps telling me to “cheer up man. It could be a lot worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole filled with water”
I know he means well.
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Can a ninja kill someone with a throwing star?
Shuriken.
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I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
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1
My teacher says I'm pretty good at addition but I'm terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
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1
How do you know if a sniper likes you?
He misses you!
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0
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
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Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
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Xbox was struggling...
but they really turned it around with the 360.
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My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she’s in love with me.
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I would do a steak joke..
But they're never well done.
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Why does the new iPhone 11 Max look like a stove top?
Because Tim cooks
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1
My dad bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank him.
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Joke of the Day
I was kidnapped by mimes once
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