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The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.
Todays Joke
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I was kidnapped by mimes once
They did unspeakable things to me.
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Previous Dates
1
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
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0
What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
400 Million Dollars.
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I changed my iPod name to Titanic.
It’s syncing now.
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I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
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I just found out I’m colour blind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
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0
Once a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese.
How dairy.
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0
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
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Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks tell them it’s 12345678
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What do you say to a giant with his head in the clouds.
Hi.
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I love going outdoors...
It's much safer than going outwindows.
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My wife is threatening to leave me because I’m addicted to wearing a new T-shirt every half an hour.
I said, “Wait! I can change!”
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What does Donald Trump hate listening to?
Barack music
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Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
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0
Did you know most people are assholes?
Next time you see a group of people, yell "hey asshole" and they will all look.
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I'm trying to get my son into books.
But no authors want to write about him.
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My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
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0
Why did the man leave his date at the restaurant?
His wife showed up.
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What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help?
Lemonaid.
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Wanna hear a ghost joke?
Thats the spirit..
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Her:I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me:Well that makes two of us
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I think my iPhone's broken
I pressed the home button, but I'm still at work
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You know what actually makes me smile?
My Facial muscles
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I bet none of you will see this one coming
1
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Anyone can be buried after they die...
But if you wanna get cremated, you've gotta urn it.
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2
What I if told you
You read the title wrong.
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1
Major: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning, Sergeant!”
Sergeant: “Thank you, Sir!!”
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0
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
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I was accused of being a plagiarist,
their word not mine.
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I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”
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Why should you never date an apostrophe?
They're too possessive!
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What is the cleanest language in the world?
Polish
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I was kidnapped by mimes once
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