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I’ve been caught money laundering.
My brother found $20 in my shorts taking them out of the dryer
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How do you tie up 2 Martians?
With an astro-knot.
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My girlfriend got mad at me for being lazy
It's not like I did something
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Wife: What are you doing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband: I was looking for the expiration date.
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Knock-knock! Who's there? Kumquat. Kumquat who?
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