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What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
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What did the undertaker say when he realized he'd buried the wrong coffin?
I've made a grave mistake
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I clean all my weapons with tree sap.
Some say I’m crazy, but I’m sticking to my guns.
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Dad: Doctor, help me! I'm addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: Sorry, I don't follow you.
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My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
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