What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Don't you hate it when a teacher lies and says the homework will be a piece of cake?
It always tastes like paper.
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad she said she was never going to play Scrabble with me again!
I have an old calculator that’s missing the minus button.
But on the plus side, it still works.