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What do cigarettes and squirrels have in common?
They're both perfectly safe until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
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The guy that invented the umbrella was gonna call it the brella.
But he hesitated.
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Husband: Help! My wife is going into labor! 911 Operator: Is this her first child?
Husband: No, this is her husband.
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Two lobsters are in a tank. One turns to the other and says,
"Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
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Would anyone be interested in being my companion?
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