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What do cigarettes and squirrels have in common?
They're both perfectly safe until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
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What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen.”
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What did fridge say when asked 'any hot drinks?'?
'No, I'm cool.'
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Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
Someone on the other side could still walk.
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Husband: Whisper dirty things to me.
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