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Wife: What are you doing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband: I was looking for the expiration date.
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I bought my friend an elephant for her room.
She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it".
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My interviewer asked if I could preform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
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Don’t stare at a glass of water.
Take a pitcher it’ll last longer.
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My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
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