The best dad jokes and puns on the internet.

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For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.

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When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?

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If a child refuses to go to sleep, is he resisting arrest?

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I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.

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What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?

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Yesterday I slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass.

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I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"