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Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
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Me: this is my house
Friend: what's upstairs Me: stairs don't talk
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Do you know why you can't hear pterodactyls urinate?
Because they are extinct.
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I was going to tell the story about my broken pencil.
But there was no point!
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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...
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