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I'd like to start dieting...
...but I just have too much on my plate right now.
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Been torturing a centipede for the last 98 days…
on its last legs now.
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A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep." The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep."
The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
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I was fired from a bank.
When a woman asked me to check her balance, I pushed her over.
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What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
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