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I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake...
... until the doctor told me to take the candles off first!
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The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally gave her a glue.
She's still not talking to me.
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What does a vegan zombie say?
"Graaains! Graaaains!"
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What do lawyers wear to work everyday?
Their lawsuit.
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My first day working as a pilot: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for?
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