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Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
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I want my favorite team to be my pallbearers
so that they can let me down one last time.
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What kind of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers
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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
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I was surprised to find a spider at my office
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