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I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
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Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
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Wife asked me why i don't take her anywhere.
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What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
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Whenever I see a school bus, I think about my uncles last words...

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