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Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
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I called the casino to ask why the used card decks I ordered were still undelivered.
They assured me they were dealing with it.
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What do you call two doctors with colds?
An ironic paradox.
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I call my toilet "the jim" instead of "the john."
That way I can tell people that I go to the jim first thing every morning.
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I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra."
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