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You know what has 8 legs, 8 hands and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
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If a child refuses to go to sleep, is he resisting arrest?
No, he's avoiding a kidnapping.
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I do yoga two to three times a week.
And by doing yoga, I mean put my foot in my mouth.
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Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
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My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
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