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Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team?
Because she kept running from the ball!
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What did the doctor say to his patient that wanted to do his own stitches?
Suture self.
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A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"
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I took my wife to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you, but she wasn't very happy.
I told her next time she can pick the restaurant, if she really hated Subway that much.
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Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
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