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To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
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Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
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My wife just yelled at me, "You haven't listened to a single word I've said"
I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation
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I got a job in a coffee shop. I feel like I can espresso myself there.
But don't make a mocha-ry of me. It's a little latte for that.
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What’s it called when you kill chickpeas?
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