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The guy at the tuxedo store keeps hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
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On his deathbed, my grandfather said, “Remember these two words. It’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.”
Push and Pull.
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Doctor: How's that kid who swallowed the half-dollar?
Nurse: No change yet.
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Why don’t vampires go to barbecues?
They don’t like steak.
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My wife asked me if I'm ever gonna stop singing "Wonderwall"
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