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My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
I said okay... Bi den.
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Guy at the door: Sir, would you like to make a donation to the local orphanage?
Dad: No problem. (To me) Hey, you live with this guy from now on.
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To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
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I'm a parent, so I'm always right. There was one time I thought I was wrong.
But as it turns out, I was wrong.
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Whenever I see a school bus, I think about my uncles last words...
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