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Interviewer: We're looking for someone who is responsible. Do you fit that criteria?
Candidate: Well, in my last job when the store caught fire, my boss said that I was responsible.
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What kind of tool fixes allergies?
A Benadryl
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I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
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What did the banana do when it saw a horde of hungry monkeys?
Split!
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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...
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