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I got a job as a human cannonball.
I was fired immediately.
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My girlfriend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch “Gaslight”
I told her “we already watched that together, don’t you remember?”
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Interviewer: We're looking for someone who is responsible. Do you fit that criteria?
Candidate: Well, in my last job when the store caught fire, my boss said that I was responsible.
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Why do spies keep working even when they're asleep?
Cos they're undercover.
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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...
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